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Laying it ALL out..
Well I know that I will feel much better after this and hope that it doesn't offend the few that actually read my blog. So I am apologizing now for any hard feelings. I had a heart to heart with Matthew yesterday that actually did wonders, but Satan sure is knocking at my door these days. I already know the answer is pray pray pray and have patience but lately I have been too hard headed.... I have been off birth control for 3 1/2 years. I learned a great method of Fertility Awareness and have been using it faithfully. This last year I got lazy and it didn't really matter if we had an oops. So here it is one year and 3 months latter and no oops. It has begun to eat on me and I can't shake it. I am in a terrible mood and go from the extremes of I don't ever want to have any children to crying uncontrollably and being so jealous that it makes me sick to my stomach. I stumbled upon this today and made me feel a little better:
Ten snappy answers to “when are you going to have a baby?”
1. When we get to it, I promise you’ll be the first to know.
2. When we are rich and famous.
3. Why do you want to know?
4. I’ve already had several miscarriages. (This usually shuts them up.)
5. Why are you so nosy? (Said with a smile, this comes off playful)
6. I’m so glad you brought that up! I’m having fertility issues. What do you want to talk about first-my uterine lining or John’s sperm count? (Don’t be surprised if they spit out their coffee on this one.)
7. When we win the lottery.
8. We’re trying and we’re having a hard time of it. Do you have any other friends with fertility problems?
9. We’ve decided not to have kids; thanks for asking. (When it happens, they’ll be surprised.)
10. We’re in a quandary-puppy or baby. Which do you think would be better?

From the book, A FEW GOOD EGGS: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility. Copyright 2005 by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. Printed in conceive magazine summer 2006 issue.

I really identified with 1,6 ,and 9. The worst time I have with it is at church services. I have come to the point of no longer worshiping there and just dwelling in what I don't have. Like I said earlier Satan has a real hold on me! For those that may actually read this pray for me.
Pray that I will focus and worship with a heart of joy
Pray that I will have patience
Pray that I will wait on the Lord
Pray that I will understand God's timing
Pray that I can come into a closer relationship with him, because I tend to blame Him for this
Thank you for letting me rant today!!!!!!