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4.10.2007

Laying it ALL out..
Well I know that I will feel much better after this and hope that it doesn't offend the few that actually read my blog. So I am apologizing now for any hard feelings. I had a heart to heart with Matthew yesterday that actually did wonders, but Satan sure is knocking at my door these days. I already know the answer is pray pray pray and have patience but lately I have been too hard headed.... I have been off birth control for 3 1/2 years. I learned a great method of Fertility Awareness and have been using it faithfully. This last year I got lazy and it didn't really matter if we had an oops. So here it is one year and 3 months latter and no oops. It has begun to eat on me and I can't shake it. I am in a terrible mood and go from the extremes of I don't ever want to have any children to crying uncontrollably and being so jealous that it makes me sick to my stomach. I stumbled upon this today and made me feel a little better:
Ten snappy answers to “when are you going to have a baby?”
1. When we get to it, I promise you’ll be the first to know.
2. When we are rich and famous.
3. Why do you want to know?
4. I’ve already had several miscarriages. (This usually shuts them up.)
5. Why are you so nosy? (Said with a smile, this comes off playful)
6. I’m so glad you brought that up! I’m having fertility issues. What do you want to talk about first-my uterine lining or John’s sperm count? (Don’t be surprised if they spit out their coffee on this one.)
7. When we win the lottery.
8. We’re trying and we’re having a hard time of it. Do you have any other friends with fertility problems?
9. We’ve decided not to have kids; thanks for asking. (When it happens, they’ll be surprised.)
10. We’re in a quandary-puppy or baby. Which do you think would be better?

From the book, A FEW GOOD EGGS: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility. Copyright 2005 by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. Printed in conceive magazine summer 2006 issue.

I really identified with 1,6 ,and 9. The worst time I have with it is at church services. I have come to the point of no longer worshiping there and just dwelling in what I don't have. Like I said earlier Satan has a real hold on me! For those that may actually read this pray for me.
Pray that I will focus and worship with a heart of joy
Pray that I will have patience
Pray that I will wait on the Lord
Pray that I will understand God's timing
Pray that I can come into a closer relationship with him, because I tend to blame Him for this
Thank you for letting me rant today!!!!!!

4 comments:

Justin and Shauri said...

Lindsay-
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. We all struggle with things in our life and blaming it on God seems to be the easiest thing to do. What you see on the outside isn't always what is real on the inside. I struggled for years with Justin's health and I continuoulsy asked God why us? Why did Justin have to have 6 surgeries and 12 week long hospital visits in the first 2 years of our marriage? Why did we have to be in debt because of the numerous medical bills we incurred? Why did the doctor tell us that there was a 50% chance that one of the surgeries would result in our not being able to have children? I was mad and scared to death. After that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It just seemed like it was one thing after another. When we finally did decide to have another child, I was so scared that my fibro would somehow hurt this baby. I said all of that to say this, whatever God's plan is, he will provide for you. It may not be the plan that you had in mind but it is the plan that he's had for you all along. I love you so much! I promise to pray for you! Thank you for being so honest and laying out your feelings for all to see. That takes a lot of courage! Love, Shauri

cassandra and zachary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cassandra and zachary said...

Linny,
We love you and we'll be praying for you. Thank you helping me learn patience with some things in my life by telling me about how impatient you are feeling.

Tiffany Rose said...

You both will make wonderful parents some day in what ever way God decides to make you parents! :)